Wednesday, August 27, 2008


  • I was supposed to pass my new and improved interview plan today but I realized it would be far easier to do it tonight instead and submit it tomorrow morning since I left my roommate's USB at the dorm.

  • I have midterms on Saturday. I have this HUGE feeling I'm going to fail anyways. So I'm planning on going out afterwards. I'm going to that JMA party everyone is selling me tickets to. This will be fun. Free-flowing drinks all night long. Just the right stuff to help me crash and burn after that helluva test.

  • Howie Severino hasn't replied to my last e-mail about the final date of the interview yet so I might get screwed up for this.

  • My paper is NOWHERE near done.

  • I NEED to go to Intramuros ASAP. I have a paper due for that one.

  • I have a NatSci exam next Wednesday and I haven't studied yet. I have nothing to study though. No notes. Because I don't listen. Fudge.

  • My folio has nothing in it yet. I need sketches. Now.

  • My deconstructed blouse needs to be constructed.
So yeah. I guess that pretty much sums it up nicely. What am I doing blogging when I should be working, you ask? The same reason why I'm going to grab pistaschio ice cream instead of brushing up on rational exponents. Which is... Uhm.. I don't know either. Maybe I'm just lazy. Whatever. This is university life. God bless us all.

Sunday, August 24, 2008


Go. Here. Now. I'm too tired to fill you up. Maybe next time, yes? :)

Friday, August 22, 2008

terracotta tiles

Have you ever collapsed on the bathroom floor?
Answer: Yes. Many times.
Not one of the prettiest nights in my life. It's not as dramatic as they show it on the movies. It's messy. Awful. And anyone who doesn't have to go through it shouldn't. I can name a few places. The GRH isolation room, the now defunct Daddy Fat's, my house, the GRH, the acad building at Pisay. They all had bathrooms. They all had mirrors. Movie actresses are beautiful people. That's why they look dramatically wonderful as they break down or try to kill themselves. That's not how it is. I have very dizzy images of my face in the mirror, the terracotta tiles, vomit, and things i know i shouldn't have with me. I didn't cry at all times. That would be too dramatic. Just a jaded feeling of trying to hide. And trying to pretend. I remember how i was able to conceal my presence at the acad building's CR by propping myself up against the walls using my feet and my back. I just realized It would've been easier to bring my knees up as I sat on that toilet bowl cover. But then, again, when you're sprawling on the floor, you don't think of the most logical actions. I remember having smiles on my face, smug smiles, drunken smiles, sad smiles, pretend smiles. Smiles nonetheless. I always have to get away. Bathrooms make it perfect for me to do that. Bedrooms are too painful. You see things that are a part of you no matter how much you try to deny them. You end up throwing them. In bathrooms, you get to choose what you bring.. If not, the only things you do have are the things you have in your pocket. A wallet. A phone. A comb. Nothing too painful unless you open them. Different situations, different reasons. Some selfish, some aren't.

One thing they all had in common though. I always get up, turn on the tap, wash my face, and leave.

I do...

have friends that I love. Really. Like those who have shared the same sentiments about Phil Sci (and those who don't yet hear me out any way), those who saw things I didn't, those who've touched my life in more ways than they can imagine, those who appreciate the stupid things I do, those who've been patient enough to see me through my many phases, those who do crazy, crazy things with me.. Those who've seen me through at the best and worst of times. No bond is perfect (ChaLiGrav Friendster). But with people like you, I doesn't have to be. Yes, we've disagreed. Fought. Got on each others nerves.. But we grew from that. We've moved past that. That matters most I guess. I was stupid not to realize it before. Every post, it seems, is a stage of self-discovery.. When you think about it, if I die tomorrow, I don't want to go ahead and leave filled with negativity. Each person has a story I guess. Thank you to everyone so far who has been a part of mine.

Dancing Stars (high school)

"Those who fight monsters should take care that they never become one. For when you stand and look long into the abyss, the abyss also looks into you."

Familiar? That's Nietzsche for you. (Would somebody please get me a copy of his book "Thus Spoke Zarathustra"??) I've read quotes from that book. Just bits and parts of it, and I fell in love.. It's crazy how right he is.

"I tell you: one must have chaos within oneself, to give birth to a dancing star."

I have chaos. Doesn't everybody? We all have those little demons that haunt us. Little ghosts that we try to cover up for. I'm sick of it.

I don't think I'm very good at lying to myself. When I see those pictures, those crazy stupid smiles... I don't go "aww". I don't miss it. Every sad, stupid, sappy part of it. I don't miss it as much as they do. I don't think I will. No matter how much I try to romanticize it. I'm not bitter. I'm sure it was a wonderful experience for some. It was probably the most unforgettable moments in their lives. Well.. In a way it was kind of like that for me. For a while. For the longest while, actually. I thought I was safe. I thought I was happy. Then it took a kid, the perfect match, and a group to point things out to me. I was never contented because I wasn't happy. Yes, that illusion is a reality for some, but for me, it's an illusion. An illusion. I look at my memories and try to pretend it was all happy. Then a voice in my head scathingly responds with "Such lies.". It was nothing short of illusions. Beautiful illusions. I never had them. And I don't think I even want them. They just held me back from what I really wanted. From what I really was supposed to be.

Friendship. True friendship. That's something everyone should have. I found that in people. I thought I found that in some. But apparently pride, self-righteousness and childish ideologies happened to dominate. That's okay. I understand. I'm guilty. But can you, for your sake, get past that? Please? You are a person. Just like the rest of us. And yes. Morality sucks.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

17 Dares as Paige Turns 17

My roommates and I came up with this one. I realized I ought to do something crazy. Or something wacky and just plain out of the ordinary as I turn another chapter in my crazy, messy life tomorrow.

Here's a page from my diary:

August 21,2008
11:27 p.m.

We came up with 17 Dares as Paige turns 17:

1. 500-one week (survive on only 500 for a week. I thought of this one. It's about Allan. More on him next time. )

2. Attend a rally. (I was supposed to attend the walk-out today but I just HAD to check my e-mail. See post below.)

3. Papicture/Autograph/ Card with "Bakwet" aka JC Santos. (I watched the play Hinabing Pakpak Ng Ating Mga Anak and he was one of the characters there. He played a displaced kid who now has to beg in the streets. I was supposed to have it done with a UP student who happens to be a celebrity but I don't know who so we agreed on him because he's a "celebrity" per se)

4. Read a book I DON"T like & finish it. & make a book report. (This was Ate Kheizel's idea. She's OC. I don't know what book though. Suggestions?)

10. Dress/Skirt TTH for a month (They came up with this one. I should wear a skirt/dress every TTH for a month. This is a problem since I have 3 skirts and 2 day dresses in my closet. Oh fudge.)

11.6 Mondays- New place. (For 6 mondays, I should come up with a new place for us to eat dinner at. Rule: The place must be somewhere they both haven't been to before.)

12. Eat 1 whole kamatis.(This is a problem. I don't eat tomatoes(except on a sandwich or a pizza maybe). They're making me eat one. With salted egg. Salted egg is fine. Tomato? Whole? No.)

13. Join UP TC. (I should apply for the UP Theater Council. Oh gosh. Wish me luck.)

14. Text a Kule comment & get it published.(I should text the Philippine Collegian/Kule/School paper a comment and it must be published. Guys.. Watch out for my comment next week if they publish it! My student number's 08-52521! )

15.Go to school wearing your "sleep clothes". (Do you know how they say that in UP students can get away with going to class wearing the clothes they slept in last night? Yeah. Well i have to do that. If you see me walking around in pajamas or in pambahay.. Well....)

16. Make a tagalog poem/short story/essay. (Guess who thought of this one? Kheizel. My tagalog's crappy. They said it had to be malalim na tagalog. Oh dear.)

17. Walk to Philcoa alone. (Yeap. Walk from my dorm to Mcdo in Philcoa. Alone. I know Grace and Rachel did this already but I have to do it too. Alone.)

[Note: The ones in bold are actual entries from my diary. I was as accurate as possible. The ones in the parentheses are stuff I added just now.]

Notice something? From the 4th dare it skipped to the 10th. I must've been sleepy last night. I wasn't able to count properly. That means I need 5 more dares. 5 more! Suggestions?



Background: For our Comm3 class we were asked to come up with a topic and interview an expert in that topic. Since I am the biggest crammer, I crammed this one too and since I don't know my roomate's last name (It's Jose btw.).. I thought of another topic and interviewee. The name that I happened to remember at that time was Howie Severino. It's probably because at that time I was fresh from the I-Witness Docufest at the Film Institute (Roberto did not come with me as he promised. Hmmmmmph.). So yeah. I chose him. Just so I could pass my homework. I knew that I was being airheaded since he's a busy person. He's a journalist/investigative reporter/ kind of a CELEBRITY for goodness' sake! Why would he attend to me??? As Guido put it "Sana pumili ka man lang ng mas maabot. " (Maybe he was just bitter because I passed only one topic and it got approved no questions asked and he had to revise his. Hahahahahaha.. Kidding!)

Well... Guess what, NON-BELIEVERS?


I e-mailed him. I did not expect a reply. I was actually geared up to come up with a different topic. I guess God does help those who help themselves! Thank you Howie Severino!

BTW.. Comm3 classmates... When is it due?

Gimme some love.

If you're hell bent on helping.. Or you happen to a superhero.. Or happen to be bored.. Then check these out. I haven't been helping out in a while.. which is why I'm helping out now. Compensation. I know. Guilty as charged.

Greenpeace- You should sign up for their newsletter. They've been successful in bossing me around to sign signature campaigns and blog about environmental issues (My old site had a Greenpeace online badge thingy on it.). None of which you will find here because I moved. Long story. They're pretty cool actually. And they're filling up my inbox like mad. This week's issue? Forest Love. What are ya waiting for????

One Candle Schoolhouse - Hmm.. Okay. I admit. I'm new to this one. But basically the One Candle Schoolhouse is an informal school put up by Bill and Diane Pool. Pisay WV people! Remember Tulong Dunong? Well, what they're doing is something like that (only I don't think they do PSHS entrance exam reviews) -teach less fortunate kids. I'm still reading about them and they seem pretty wicked cool.. [Note: The link on the name is a link to a site that'll give you a little background on them. To see what they really do.. Check out their site./blog. ]

Mindanao Tulong Bakwet (MTB) Inc.- No thanks to the MILF antics, there are more displaced persons in Mindanao. See how you can help. (I found out aboout them in Dominique's blog btw.)

Now, Aren't you inspired to help? That's three organizations.. And I'm too tired to elaborate on each one. Maybe next time.
[People don't really see me as the "helping" type. Well I am! (At least I'm working on it..) If you happen to know of a cause that you think my superhero tendency would do some good in.. Let me know..]

Old news.

The Reproductive Health Bill. I know it's old news and all but I do feel a bit strongly about it. And I'm for it.

  1. There are too many families with too many kids who end up on the streets begging or getting into all kinds of trouble. Let's face it, no matter how much we want that to happen most couples who live in the slums have no idea of withdrawal or the calendar method. And if they do, they probably don't know how it works. I'm not insulting their intelligence here, but I think they don't take that kind of thing seriously.
  2. I'm all for abstinence. But. People. Will. Have. Sex. And I'm not just talking about teenagers with wonderful hormones. I've learned to deal with this reality a long time ago. Just because you have those admirable principles about waiting until marriage and such, people will still do it. And as you read this unmarried people are doing it. What's worse unmarried people who can't afford children are doing it. And nine months from now a little baby (whether wanted or not) will exist. But if those said couples were "safe".. Then..
  3. I don't think it's pro-abortion. Or that it's a form of abortion. Life = egg+sperm. Egg = uhm... nothing.. Nothing really. It'll just sit there and wait until that time of the month comes. As for pro-abortion.. The main reason fo abortion is an unwanted pegnancy, right? Then if unwanted pregnancy could be avoided (via abstinence or contraception) then basically there would be nothing to abort.

That being said, please don't get the notion that I'm all for promiscuity and such. I still believe in holding out for "That One". I just think that couples (preferably married ones!) SHOULD have the right to choose what they think is right for them. GMA's being a scaredy cat. Make up your mind,woman. Wake up. You have a go at having seven children with nothing to feed them.

Animals. Really.

I KNOW everybody's probably sick of reading about this in the papers. That's why I put it here. Nobody wants to discuss politics in multiply. And besides, I need a better outlet than poor Rachel who bear the burden of putting up with me rant and go about it whenever I get the papers. Yeah, yeah. I know what you're probably thinking... I'm a teenager. What do I have to say about it, right? Answer: A lot.

My knowledge about politics and such are rather limited. But in an effort to actually concern myself with what's going on in my country of existence, I monitored that issue and read about it whenever I could. And I got Roberto to explain it's mecahnics to me. And in my opinion, The MOA-AD with the MILF stunt that the administrration tried to pull of sounded like a bad idea at that time
(Yep. It took a teenager to figure that one out. What took THEM so long?!?)
and I was rooting for it NOT to be signed.

Then the SC issued a temporary restraining order. (Roberto and I rejoiced.).. I actually thought everything was going to make sense now. That they would realize that that was a pretty idiotic idea to begin with and tank the damn thing. Next thing I know, however, was that I was sitting in the TV area with my roomates and there it was on the news. Families displaced, civilians killed and taken hostage, houses, schools and properties burned. I threw my hands up in the air. WHAT THE HELL????

The following day, I bought a copy of the Inquirer to read about it and because THIS statement caught my eye "Ma, I'm sorry for all the pain I brought you." I didn't read the headlines. I read this first.

"ILOILO CITY—In a final act of love, Lt. Col. Angel Benitez sent a text message to his wife, just hours before he was killed by Moro rebels in Lanao del Norte province.“Ma, I’m sorry for the all the pains I brought you,” he said to Maria Elena, or “Cookie.”She did not understand his message and he did not elaborate. On Monday, she received a phone call telling her that her husband was among those killed in an attack by Moro Islamic Liberation Front (MILF) rebels."


I then found out later that Lt. Col. Angel Benitez was actually a relative of one my friends. The article was heart-breaking. Anyone who hasn't read it yet, should. The rest of the newspaper did nothing to soothe my nerves. The more I read, the angrier I got at the MILF (Not that I wasn't furious with them before). They were acting like children for goodness sake! They are pig-headed, bratty, obnoxious, ignorant, self-righteous, murderers. I BLOODY HATE THEM. What the hell were they thinking? Were they even thinking at all? Apparently manslaughter and destruction of property.. Ruining lives. That just comes easily to them doesn't it? I'm all for peace, but damnit. Those people animals deserve to die. I know I should I contradict myself raving about how killing people is inhuman and whatnot. But damn them. The thought of families losing their homes, children losing parents, that just gets me. Didn't they feel at least a little guilt as they shot a father dead? Or as they torched homes?

They want peace. They want land. Who are they kidding? The way they've been acting, they don't deserve grace in any form. They deserve to go to hell.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008


Why the big move? Simple. The other blogger was a tad bit too bothersome as it kept crossposting my other posts. There are some things I would rather not be put up for the multiply community. Also, I decided that certain things would be put up here and certain things would be put up there. It sounds too bothersome, I know. But I decided that I wanted to be more organized with my blogging and that certain links would be provided if the need arises. This is my Hidden window. (Remember the Johari Model?). This blog's in the running ladies and gentlemen.

Welcome to Neverland.