in case you're wondering

i thought it was time for this kid to move on to a new playground. 

Remember the Tumlbr account I mentioned before? 

Yeah. [[ paigepaigepaige.tumblr.com  ]] so I will still be using this acoount to comment on all my blogger friends but I won't be updating this as much as before. 

I love you still,Blogger. :] ♥♥♥♥♥ <3. 

xoxo,

Paige.

cheat sheet

THE ANSWERS WERE AS SIMPLE AS THESE.

And it sucks that you didn't have them for me.

EVER.

[go ahead. click on it.]

I WILL be paying the guidance counselor a visit.

 It can be defined as an enduring tendency to experience negative emotional states. Individuals who score high on neuroticism are more likely than the average to experience such feelings as anxiety, anger,guilt, and clinical depression.^[1] They respond more poorly to environmental stress, and are more likely to interpret ordinary situations as threatening, and minor frustrations as hopelessly difficult. They are often self-conscious and shy, and they may have trouble controlling urges and delaying gratification. Neuroticism is related to emotional intelligence, which involves emotional regulation, motivation, and interpersonal skills.^[2] It is also considered to be a predisposition for traditional neuroses, such as phobias and other anxiety disorders.

According to Dr. George Boeree, effects of neurosis can involve:

...anxiety, sadness or depression, anger, irritability, mental confusion, low sense of self-worth, etc., behavioral symptoms such as phobic avoidance, vigilance, impulsive and compulsive acts, lethargy, etc., cognitive problems such as unpleasant or disturbing thoughts, repetition of thoughts and obsession, habitual fantasizing, negativity and cynicism, etc. Interpersonally, neurosis involves dependency, aggressiveness,perfectionism, schizoid isolation, socio-culturally inappropriate behaviors, etc.

Okay. I know one shouldn't trust the internet with their pyschological issues, but I'm convinced more than ever that I'm not just your typical overthinking, pseudo-neurotic teenager and that I really am truly neurotic. Really, honestly, neurotic. I Wikipedia-d my "diagnosis" and I was advised to see the university guidance counselor. 

Maybe I'm just looking for an excuse for my fears/irrational behavior. But a brutally honest friend told me that I happen to be known for pseudo problems/ panicking over nothing/ OVERTHINKING. And yes. I DO overthink. When faced by an issue, I look at every possible angle, this of course, has now spread to NORMAL situations where I fear I'm going to get screwed over. 

Case in point: During important things, like meetings, or important activities, and I'm not present, I always feel like the people involved are pissed at me, or that I HAVE to make up for it or else they'd hate me forever. I ALWAYS feel like I'm being bashed behind my back. Maybe it's my underlying fear of not pleasing people. I have this weird thing where I want everybody to be happy with me, and anything that might go against that throws me completely off-track. I fret about it for days on end and I end up being unhappy or depressed about theoretical situations.

This of course would most likely lead to a paranoid personality disorder and that's one other thing I have to worry about. 

Conclusion: I. WILL. SHUT. MY. PIEHOLE. EXCEPT. AT. THE. GUIDANCE. COUNSELOR'S. OFFICE.

Why? Because I think I'm annoying people with my stupid problems when they don't really want to know. And I think I'm losing my friends that way, and that I'm looking at a bleak future where no one would listen to me anymore because I'm SUCH an annoying friend.

Things to do:

(aka Why I'm totally dead meat:)
finish ringing up pledges
make calls/texts to concessionaires and UPBCO

Finalize trainings
find presents for the debutante and godkid
call up dormitory
get a haircut

im the one in high heels

*****

why do i feel like i'm the cheerleader?

[maybe you ought to be with someone else]

crush(ed)

I know. I have a great thing going. And I should feel grateful. 

But after a long time I guess I was still hoping for better answers. 

I guess, if it's not there the first time around, you really shouldn't ask for it. 

I just want a story. But I guess it didn't start out the way I wished it would.

Nagging feeling that it's my fault.

It's like.. I don't know.. Ice cream.

A triple scoop sundae.

You have chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry.

You don't like strawberry, you'd much rather have mint. 

But since Vanilla and Chocolate are your favorites, you don't complain.

The strawberry's at the very bottom anyway.

And besides, you have sprinkles.

And wafers.

And as you keep eating, you get to add more toppings.

You get chocolate syrup.

And cookie bits.

And it's all very nice. 

Some kids get two flavors, and not that many toppings, so you feel remarkably blessed.

But every now and then.. 

You keep looking for mint.

MINT.

It seems shallow to complain.

(LOOK AT ALL YOUR TOPPINGS!)

MARSHMALLOWS.

CHOCOLATE BITS.

But you keep looking for Mint.

Everytime you taste a bit of strawberry, it gets you a wee bit upset.

But you feel bad, why let a tiny bit of strawberry get in the way of other perfectly good toppings, right?

Then you see another kid.

They have mint.

And, maybe, chocolate syrup.

Nothing else.

You feel a teensy bit jealous. 

And guilty.

But you'll keep eating anyway, because if you don't, then that's a bit ungrateful, don't you think?

I wish I had a better story.

And I feel awful and ungrateful.

I keep tasting that damned strawberry.

I'm so sorry.

[It's a GREAT sundae, otherwise.]

 

******

"It took him 9 months to ask her out."

This isn't the fault of some crappy music video.

[I wish it were.]

Something better than that.

Real life.

(i guess that's why it hurts so much)

stripes

That's it. Three hours on the internet. Distracting myself. Not working. I just spent 20 minutes lying on the bed trying to look for traces of you. I found a handkerchief. I wanted your smell. Didn't find any. Maybe in the next room...